Beatitudes

  1. Blessed are the poor in spirit: for they are wimps who won’t get in our way.  
  2. Blessed are they that mourn: for that means we’ve hit them where it hurts and that they’re feeling too sorry for themselves to do anything about it.
  3. Blessed are the meek: for they want somebody else to take the tough decisions and can in any case be trampled upon.
  4. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they want simple answers to complex problems and can easily be manipulated.
  5. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall forgive us whatever we do.
  6. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they are suckers who don’t see the world as it is or us as we are.
  7. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be too busy looking for a compromise solution to take a clear stand against us, even if they see through what we say and understand what we want.
  8. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for it’s easier to deal with people who want to be martyrs than with people who want the top jobs. 
  9. But do so carefully so that their martyrdom doesn’t attract more recruits to their cause.
  10. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake: for all publicity is good publicity as long as we don’t offend whatever the current politically correct double standards may be.

 

Published in Snakeskin 273, June 2020